Well I finally have the will to write something here.
It's November already and this year had been an emotional roller coaster for me. So much things happened and changed.
A demanding job that always puts me in a hard time and a never ending drama. There are countless weekends that I have to work because of "sudden request" or something. And no matter how hard I tried to do good I'm still not good enough.
My friends are busy with their lives or careers even though I know that they're always be there for me when I need someone to talk to.
I think I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life anymore. Things just get too hard for me to figure out. I barely write or finish a book this year. I don't have plans and can't imagine how depressed I am.
On February I knew someone (the way I knew him was very very very stupid and it was the stuff I never thought I could do) and I'm not that type of woman who like or open to a guy very easily. Most of the time guys easily annoy me, but it's not that I don't have guy friends. I have tons of them. But for me it takes time to get close to a guy or even just to talk to him because most of the time it's hard to meet a guy who I'm interested to talk to (it is a date-wise kinda situation).
At first, he annoyed me because he asked about every detail of the things that I do, but he was nice. Different from the guys that I've been with. As the time being, I shared too much stuffs to him and I got attached. This kinda thing rarely happened to me. Talking too him could make my sucky days better.
I've protected my heart so well this far so I think I won't get hurt anymore. I never thought that I could like someone again and it's him. I was so stupid that I told him that I liked him. I swear to God that it's that first time in my life that I ever said that to a guy. I felt so stupid. He said he didn't into long distance relationship (he lives miles away across the ocean btw) and since he meant something for me so I flipped out. Again, it was very very very stupid because who I thought am I?
I knew what I did has changed everything. He was so nice to me, but what I did to him was just too much. I hate myself for doing that. And I thought that to never talk to him again would be easy, but it's not.
So I apologized for the terrible things that I did, but that didn't change a thing. I tried everything to patch things up with him again, I've lost my dignity and self respect. I know it's very stupid and I never thought that I could do this for a guy.
Last August, I sent him a package for his birthday. It was nothing, since I didn't know what to get him for his birthday. I made a birthday card, to be exact I drew one. And it was 3 am and I force myself to finish that card because the package needed to be shipped in the morning.
I remembered, that was one early morning I got a text from him and it's been ages since that happened. He just said Hi. I knew it was just so called ice breaker (still it was nice to waking up to his text), he was just being nice because the italian customs called him to informed him that he got a package. The package that I sent him was stuck in the customs and he need to declare what it was so that the customs could release it.
We talked again, but it didn't last very long. I never learned, I tried to text him over and over again until one day he didn't reply my text and I asked him if he's mad at me or something.
And he came out with a statement that really really hurt me. Just didn't expect him to say that. I cried all night long, didn't eat and sleep at all so i have to called in sick.
It's been a month and it still hurts.
Tell myself over and over again that he's just a guy. He's just being a guy, do whatever he wanted to do.