Monday, November 9, 2015

November: A Lil Story About 2015

Well I finally have the will to write something here.

It's November already and this year had been an emotional roller coaster for me. So much things happened and changed.

A demanding job that always puts me in a hard time and a never ending drama. There are countless weekends that I have to work because of "sudden request" or something. And no matter how hard I tried to do good I'm still not good enough.

My friends are busy with their lives or careers even though I know that they're always be there for me when I need someone to talk to.

I think I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life anymore. Things just get too hard for me to figure out. I barely write or finish a book this year. I don't have plans and can't imagine how depressed I am.

On February I knew someone (the way I knew him was very very very stupid and it was the stuff I never thought I could do) and I'm not that type of woman who like or open to a guy very easily. Most of the time guys easily annoy me, but it's not that I don't have guy friends. I have tons of them. But for me it takes time to get close to a guy or even just to talk to him because most of the time it's hard to meet a guy who I'm interested to talk to (it is a date-wise kinda situation).

At first, he annoyed me because he asked about every detail of the things that I do, but he was nice. Different from the guys that I've been with. As the time being, I shared too much stuffs to him and I got attached. This kinda thing rarely happened to me. Talking too him could make my sucky days better.

I've protected my heart so well this far so I think I won't get hurt anymore. I never thought that I could like someone again and it's him. I was so stupid that I told him that I liked him. I swear to God that it's that first time in my life that I ever said that to a guy. I felt so stupid. He said he didn't into long distance relationship (he lives miles away across the ocean btw) and since he meant something for me so I flipped out. Again, it was very very very stupid because who I thought am I?

I knew what I did has changed everything. He was so nice to me, but what I did to him was just too much. I hate myself for doing that. And I thought that to never talk to him again would be easy, but it's not.

So I apologized for the terrible things that I did, but that didn't change a thing. I tried everything to patch things up with him again, I've lost my dignity and self respect. I know it's very stupid and I never thought that I could do this for a guy.

Last August, I sent him a package for his birthday. It was nothing, since I didn't know what to get him for his birthday. I made a birthday card, to be exact I drew one. And it was 3 am and I force myself to finish that card because the package needed to be shipped in the morning.

I remembered, that was one early morning I got a text from him and it's been ages since that happened. He just said Hi. I knew it was just so called ice breaker (still it was nice to waking up to his text), he was just being nice because the italian customs called him to informed him that he got a package. The package that I sent him was stuck in the customs and he need to declare what it was so that the customs could release it.

We talked again, but it didn't last very long. I never learned, I tried to text him over and over again until one day he didn't reply my text and I asked him if he's mad at me or something.

And he came out with a statement that really really hurt me. Just didn't expect him to say that. I cried all night long, didn't eat and sleep at all so i have to called in sick.

It's been a month and it still hurts.

Tell myself over and over again that he's just a guy. He's just being a guy, do whatever he wanted to do.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

It's A Big Deal To Like And Love Someone

I write this post for a dear friend of mine who just went through a rough time.

For some people like me and my dear friend, liking someone is a big deal because we rarely liking someone from the opposite sex just like that. For us it’s never as simple as that. It takes a really weird reason that we can’t even explain it to ourselves to like someone. And when we happen to like someone and falling in love with him, it’s a really big deal and we may end up hurting ourselves.

Couple days ago me and my dear friend had a lil chitchat about how miserable we felt for losing someone we knew we never had. Personally I just went through an emotional roller coaster few months ago for liking someone I know I should’ve never liked. And now, I’m still struggling to maintain my friendship with this guy eventhough I know it hurts like hell. He pushed me away and ignore me a long the way but I just keep on coming back and try to patch things up with him again. What makes me think to keep on holding on to it? Because I like him that much and I never found someone like him.

A dear friend of mine just went through this kind of phase, the guy she likes will get married soon and it’s the worst thing that can happen to her because she never thought that the guy she likes would get married that soon and because she never knew that he’s seeing someone else. She is just so crushed and I know exactly how she feels.

If we tell people about this, they will spontanneously respond, “Just move on! Forget him! There’s plenty of fish in the sea!”

They just never knew that for us it’s never that easy. It needs courage for us  to like a man and fall in love with him. And it’s even harder for us to forget about him and move on. Liking someone and fall in love with him is a big deal for us.

It is that hard for us. What makes it even harder? We think that we are not going to meet men as special as they are.

We need a long time to fully forget about someone and recover from a broken heart. Sometimes I choose to wait and get hurt than trying to move on.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Dia yang Istimewa

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, saya melakukan kesalahan yang menurut saya sudah sangat keterlaluan.
Beberapa kali saya mencoba memutuskan komunikasi dengan seseorang yang sangat spesial untuk saya hanya karena saya meragukan ketulusan dia.
Dia memang berada jauh di sana, tapi buat saya, dia adalah salah satu orang terbaik yang pernah saya kenal walaupun saya baru beberapa bulan mengenalnya.

Oleh sebab itu, saya takut sekali kehilangan dia. Dia adalah salah satu orang yang mengajarkan saya kalau di dalam hidup kita tidak perlu selalu berencana. Terkadang yang kita butuhkan hanyalah membiarkan segala hal yang akan terjadi untuk terjadi dan menikmati apa yang kita punya dan alami sekarang.

Seorang yang sangat sederhana dan tidak ambisius. Seseorang yang berbeda dari semua lelaki yang pernah saya kenal.

Karena kesalahan yang sudah saya buat itu, mungkin dia tidak akan pernah memaafkan dan menghubungi saya lagi.

Beberapa bait dari puisi Sapardi  Djoko Damono sangat mewakili perasaan saya saat ini.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Nov, 22nd. Pt. 2

I've protected myself until I knew you. It's me who decided to open myself up to you because I thought you're different. But it's only in my head, you're only in my head.
I want to tell you one thing, oh maybe I've told you this way too many times. You never hurt me, if I got hurt it's because I opened myself up to you or maybe because it's my time to get hurt.
Just like what Haruki Murakami said in his book, Norwegian Wood:
"Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it's time for them to be hurt."
I know you don't even believe in the prayers, but I'll let you know one thing. I never skip one night without praying for your happiness. I want you to be happy and have a wonderful life because I know how suck it feels to be sad and desperate :)